Negro, Please… THIS is the Hardest Shit EVER.

Well, Mac Man obviously has round one, because Beans is filthy and nasty in that “Go Low” verse. But fuck that, ’cause I’m coming back with a nice verse from THE nicest MC in the game… that’s right, Mac’s absolute favorite, Jay-Z.

Let me set the scene for you right quick… the song is “Threat,” the verse is 3, your mind is blown, and your pants are soiled…

When the gun is tucked, untucked, nigga you dies
like nunchuks held by the Jet L-I
I’m the one, thus meanin no one must try
No two, no three, no four, know why?
Because one’s four-five might blow yo’ high
You ain’t gotta go to church to get to know yo’ God
It’s a match made in heaven when I {*blaow*} ’splay the 7
Put you on the nigga news, UPN and 11
Where you been, you ain’t heard, got the word that I’m
{*blaow blaow*} that I’m so sin-surr?
I’m especially Joe Pesci with it, friend
I will kill you, commit suicide, and kill you again

This is my second favorite sing on the Black Album (after “Allure,” which, while it is hard in it’s own right, is not made for this list), first, because of crazy ass Cedric the Entertainer wilding out after every chorus (“Nigga, I keep trash bags wit’ me! Never know when you gotta dump a nigga out…”), and, more importantly, because Hov goes in on this track. I was torn between the second verse, where he puts himself up with the gangsters of yesterday, but I had to pick the third, because he will kill you, right? Commit suicide after that… and then kill you a SECOND time. You can’t fuck with that, in terms of sheer gangster…tricity? Gangsterlaciousness? Whatever. It’s hard.

And so ends the second of the Hardest Verses of All Time Series. Holla at me.

Hip-Hop’s Hardest Moments…

…presented in conjunction with Tony Mac Studios.

So, me and my boy were on the train, riding home after ball, probably high (but maybe not), talking about the hardest verses in hip-hop. Like, the shit you hear that makes you wanna go out and strangle a nigga, it’s just that grimy. And one or the other of us suggested it become a little blog series. But it wasn’t until we made it a bet that it finally came to life. So, the real moral of that story is that the only way to get anything done on the Interwebs is gambling.

Anyway, I was supposed to start it off (be on the lookout for Mac’s response WITHIN 24 HOURS), so I’ll goo to an old standby that I had been saving just for this occasion: the Intro to “Method Man” on Enter the Wu-Tang: 36 Chambers.

First, the text, just for the uninitiated:

Yeahhh, torture motherfucker what?
(Torture nigga what?)
What?
I’ll fuckin…
I’ll fuckin tie you to a fuckin bedpost
with your ass cheeks spread out and shit
Right?
Put a hanger on a fuckin stove and let that shit sit there
for like a half hour
Take it off and stick it in your ass slow like
Tssssssss

Yeah, I’ll fuckin
Yeah I’ll fuckin lay your nuts on a fuckin dresser
Just your nuts layin on a fuckin dresser
And bang them shits with a spiked fuckin bat
Ooooohhhh
Whassup? BLAOWWW!!

I’ll fuckin
I’ll fuckin pull your fuckin tongue out your fuckin mouth
and stab the shit with a rusty screwdriver, BLAOWW!!
I’ll fuckin

I’ll fuckin
I’ll fuckin hang you by your fuckin dick
off a fuckin twelve sto-story building out this motherfucker

I’ll fuckin
I’ll fuckin
sew your asshole closed, and keep feedin you
and feedin you, and feedin you, and feedin you

I mean, after all that, does anything REALLY need to be said? Meth and Rae just go back and forth, seemingly salivating at the thought of how they’ll make their enemies suffer. And Rae is alright here(anytime my nuts get near a dresser, I break into a cold sweat), but Meth is the one that really shines here (perhaps intentionally, since it WAS his track), with the “hanger on the stove” intro to the “keep feedin you, and feedin you” closer, Meth shows that he is not a nigga you wanna fuck with (that would be an AWESOME song… oh, wait).

So, there it is. Expect a lot of updates over the coming weeks, imaginary readership.

and p.s.

Shots fired, Tony.

How Do I Deal With Writer’s Block?

…note: I am not talking about the blog. Otherwise, as you can see, that problem would have been dealt with by this post.

Anywho, I’ve been trying to force myself into writing rhymes on a regular basis (because I hear practice makes perfect, or something along those lines), but I’m kind of constipated, and, also, not very good. I have a rackload of instrumentals, even many I’ve never heard before (so I don’t get distracted by spitting a song I already know), but still, I put them on, I get about 2 wobbly lines into a verse, and then…. nothing. I know there’s nobody out there reading this, but if there were, what would you have me do? How can I make the rhymes flow like they’re supposed to?

These Are A Few of My Favorite Things…

I realize that, if I ever get any readership on this blog, you probably won’t really have that warm, fuzzy connection with me that readers seem to enjoy. So, I figured, I’d tell you about some of my favorite Internet destinations, time-wasting activities, and other assorted nonsense, so you feel like you know me a little better. And, hopefully, like-minded people will investigate further, and we can be like Internet buddies, or something…

anyway, in no particular order, here’s the list:

-reefer

I mean, come on. It’s kind of awesome. I know it’s TECHNICALLY illegal (in the United States), but the payoff is definitely worth the slight risk of being arrested (and the more realistic risk of being beaten about the head and chest with a billy club).

-Gigposters.com (especially Daniel Danger’s Non-Gig Related Art thread)

Man. one day, when I have enough money, I’m gonna clean that site out. Every day, I see some shit on there that I would love to hang in my (eventual) house, except for the “crushing poverty” (thanks, Tony) that makes that thought little more than a pipe dream…

-the NBA playoffs

Hit or miss. When you get a series like last year’s Boston/Chicago series, or the preceding year’s Cavs/Celtics ECF, it’s awesome. When you get a snoozer like the Lakers/Magic Finals, ehh. I could just watch the Simpsons, or something. Which leads nicely into my next item…

-CARTOONS

The shit, son. Futurama, Family Guy, The Simpsons, King of the Hill, fucking 85 percent of the Adult Swim shows (well, the last time I checked; they may have changed since then), all making my nipples harden with pleasure (too far? I think so). Plus, Futurama goes very nicely with thing number one on the list… but refer to the top, you lazy bastard. I’m not doing the work for you.

and last, but certainly not least…

-music

Just music in general. The sad part is, I like listening to a good song more than hanging out with 95 percent of the people I know. But it’s just so good. I’ve just recently begun getting into Coldplay, but I’ve been a soul man and a hip-hop head for a minute now. But this is something you’ll get to know about me as the blog posts increase.

…and those are the main things, besides relatives (who I will not post about on here, for the most part, since I’d like to enjoy a little privacy) and a couple close friends who are like relatives (who I’ll get into later).

Albums I’m Excited About in this, the Second Half of ‘09

It’s gonna be a hip-hop fiend’s dream this 3rd and 4th quarter…

What’s coming soon:

Slaughterhouse – Slaughterhouse

due August 11th

Ohhhhhh, man. Joell Ortiz and Royce Da 59 are ill as shit by themselves, but with Joe “Raekwon’s Bottom Chick” Budden and Crooked I, the West Coast’s savior? Fucking BANANAS. For a primer for the uninitiated, check out “Move On,” (which I hope makes the album, but since it’s been out for a minute and a half, I doubt it).

Beanie Sigel – Broad Street Bully

due September 1st

Beans is at least 50 percent of the reason I like to rep Philly nowadays (obviously, fam, Tom, and the Birdgang are before him). And “Feel It In the Air” was easily my favorite song of that year. Still one of my favorite songs of all time. So I’m definitely on the lookout for what is likely to be the most gangsta album of the year, although, in a year where tight jeans and kissing your dad seem to be on top, he probably won’t sell much. But whatever.

Raekwon – OBC4L2

due September 8th

It’s the Chef, and it’s the long-awaited follow-up to one of the best albums ever produced, period. What else needs to be said?

and then, on the anniversary of New York’s worst day…

THE BLUEPRINT 3

due September 11th

…and it’s the God, Hova. Even if it’s just as good as the Black Album, it’ll be a banger. If it lives up to the Blueprint name (the first one, not number 2), it will be the album of the year, hands down.

ALSO BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR:

Cunninlynguists – Strange Journey, Volume 2

2Pac(’s 800th posthumous release) – Shakurspeare (really? This is setting itself up for failure, but it’s Pac, so I watch for it anyway…)

Royce Da 59 – Street Hop

Ghooooostfaaaaaace – The Wizard of Poetry

all due out in September, although there will likely be some date changes (you know how rappers do, gotta “build suspense” or some bullshit). So go buy, or , more realistically, download these. I say if they’re good, buy a hard copy, and support your favorite artists. They need the money, y’all. It’s a recession.

Swimming Through the Murky Swamp that is College Admissions (again)

Shit… here it goes. Every time I sit down at the computer and start to look at what it takes to get back into school, I am more and more discouraged, for many reasons. First, I can’t even hope to have the minimum GPA required to get into most schools, since my freshman year’s GPA was abysmally low. Like, wasn’t a whole number low. Like, 0 before the decimal point low. And I only did one semester successfully after that (like a 3.8, but still, it was only one semester), and then I withdrew to get into “the real world” (which sucks, by the way). On top of that, all I really want to major in is music (audio engineering, or music production, something along those lines), but every school of music requires an audition, which I couldn’t do even if I wanted to. They require the compositions to be “classical,” which means all the music I know and would be able to sing (my only current musical skill) is off the table. Third, and most important, I don’t know how to explain to schools what I’ve been doing with myself since I left… since “working dead end jobs” doesn’t seem like something that will get me into school. At least I did City Year for the last year, so that’ll look pretty good, but aside from that? Unemployment and misery, and those don’t make the best admissions essay. Anyway, just thought I’d get on and vent real fast. Going back to watch Coldplay on Austin City Limits, one of the main reasons I love public television.

Things I’m Beginning to Miss (…now that I live like a homeless man), Pt. 1

So, yeah, the title really says it all… luckily, I just recently became employed again, and so the hope is that I won’t be living like a homeless man for much longer, but who knows? Anyway, here’s the ACTUAL things:

-having an iPod/some music playing device of equal or greater value.

Man, if you’ve ever seen withdrawal before, then you understand what I’ve been going through for many a month. I think I’m just going to have to reinvest in  an iPod shuffle charger, because not having any music player at all is hell on earth. Finally, I have to listen to conversation, and the sounds of life in general, and I realize very quickly why people are so mad, and our nation is so obese. Without some sort of musical asylum to run to (and/or reefer to smoke, you know, just to take the edge off), I would be fat and angry too.

-eating 3 meals a day

This is a goddamn recession, so I guess I would be one of the lucky ones if I was actually getting 3, but not getting 1 good meal is starting to take a toll. My energy level is already low enough with the depression, my nicotine addiction, and my general laziness. But now that I can’t afford to eat on a regular basis, I fear that my everyday motivational issues are only going to get worse. Shit.

-Having reefer.

Yeah, I know it’s illegal. But it used to be illegal on the regular, and now it’s just illegal when I can get my hands on it. And I hate scavenging, but I’m pretty damn good at it, too.

Another Blog is Born…

Well, here I am once again, starting a blog that will, more than likely, die an unceremonious and premature death. But I digress. Finally, after years of relative inactivity, I’m back to writing a blog. A blog about what, you may be asking yourself? A blog about…

-the day-to-day crap that makes up my life (and, really, most of it is crap)

-whatever music I happen to be listening to that week/day/minute

-what I read on other blogs (since I probably won’t be doing a lot of writing myself, I might as well point you in the right direction)

-shit that floats through my mind from time to time.

That’s it. Just wanted to (re)introduce myself, my name is [Hov!]